H*** (HOPE): The 4-letter Word

Infertility sucks. There’s no way around that. The disappointment, the frustration, the heartbreak. Every month there’s a reminder that your body doesn’t work the way it’s “supposed” to. What seems so easy for others is impossible for you. Who else is tired of the constant doctor’s appointments, the uncomfortable ultrasounds, the needle pricks, the checks for $2,000, $500, $15,000?

But I think the hardest part of infertility is that nagging voice of hope and optimism in the back of the mind. Each month the thought that maybe this month will be different. The constant thoughts of “I have some pregnancy symptoms, maybe this is it!” Even though the past 48 months have resulted in only one thing: a BIG FAT NEGATIVE.

But yet, after every negative test, and after I allow myself to grieve, there’s that hopeful voice at the back of my mind that thinks “maybe this month will be different. Maybe this will be THE month.” That voice is the hardest part. Because if it weren’t for the hope, there wouldn’t be as much disappointment. If it weren’t for the hope, maybe I could move on. Maybe I could think about other things, instead of the ceaseless thoughts about infertility. And that’s what people keep telling me – have hope, it’ll happen, don’t lose faith!

I don’t want hope anymore. I don’t want to keep waiting and expecting for this great thing to happen. Because every time it doesn’t happen, it just hurts. And the hurt just keeps growing, month after month, year after year.

*Please note: I wrote this essay in the thick of my infertility struggles, but am just now letting the world read it. I do believe healing is possible during and after infertility.

Please reach out if you find it hard to feel hope or need someone to help you process the painful journey of infertility.