Friends and Family: What NOT to say to someone struggling with infertility

It’s that time of year where we spend time with extended family and gather with friends. With the holidays fast approaching, I wanted to share a list of things NOT to say to your family members who are experiencing infertility. My clients often talk about how painful holiday gatherings can be, especially when the focus is on children. And although they don’t want others to not have fun and enjoy this time, they do want more understanding from those closest to them.

So here’s a list of things NOT to say:

1. When are you going to have children?
2. Why don’t you have children yet?
3. Have you thought about having children? (are we seeing a theme?)
4. Just relax, then you’ll be able to have children.
5. There are worse problems to have.
6. It’s just not meant to be.
7. You can always do IVF!
8. Have you thought about adoption?
9. You are so lucky you don’t have kids.
10. Enjoy this time, it gets so much harder when you do have kids.
11. You can have one of my kids….
12. Everything happens for a reason.
13. God’s timing is perfect.
14. It took me a couple of months to get pregnant, I know how you feel.
15. Why are you so stressed? You’re still young, you’ve got plenty of time!
16. Is your doctor concerned about your weight?
17. Quitters don’t get babies.
18. It’s been such a long time since your miscarriage, time to move on.
19. I have a friend who went through 12 rounds of IVF, but then got pregnant! Keep going!
20. You have to be positive! Negativity will affect your treatments.

These types of comments are not helpful, and some of them can be incredibly hurtful. Most of my clients understand that their friends and family have good intentions, it’s not like you’re going in to this situation hoping to hurt someone you care about. But the lack of understanding can be very painful to those experiencing infertility.

Here’s what you CAN do:

1. Ask them how they are feeling, and let them know you really care about their response.
2. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
3. I’m here if you need to talk.
4. Is there anything I can do to help you?
5. This really sucks!
6. It’s so unfair, I’m sorry you have to deal with it.
7. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.
8. You must be tired from all your treatments, can I bring you dinner or help you clean your house?
9. I’m not sure what you need from me right now. What can I say to you in this moment?
10. Keep checking in. Most people hear from their friends and family right after a miscarriage, or when they start doing treatments, but then not so much the longer the journey continues. Continue to be there. Your friend or family member needs your support.

It might be hard and uncomfortable to say these things to someone struggling with infertility, especially if you’re not used to emotionally connecting. But those with infertility need validation and support. You can provide this for them. If you do slip up and say something hurtful, apologize! And then move forward letting them know you genuinely care.

Use these tips to be a better support to your loved one!