How to Grieve a Negative Pregnancy Test

Infertility is so hard, amiright? But sometimes, even though you know it’s hard, you don’t give yourself permission to see infertility as a loss.
And if you can’t view it as a loss, then you can’t move forward with the grief.

Here’s why I see infertility, the inability to get pregnant, as a loss. You’ve hoped and dreamed of adding a child to your family. You’ve started planning for a future with this child. You’ve maybe named it, designated a space in your house for it, bought clothes or other items, and thought extensively about what your life would be like with this little addition. In your heart, you’ve given this future child space.

When that gets taken away, even though physically there was nothing there, you feel that loss. This loss exists, and needs to be processed. Without processing it, it’s so much harder to move past it.

In fact, because infertility is a recurrent, complicated grief, without processing it, it’ll get bigger. It’ll get harder. You might become more bitter. Because infertility grief happens over and over, cycle after cycle.

But even though the grief of infertility is different than other griefs, I think it’s important to give ourselves permission to grieve.

Here are my 5 tips for grieving after you have a negative pregnancy test (or cycle start, or failed fertility treatment, etc):

Surround yourself with supportive people

Having a good support group is vital. And this doesn’t have to just be other infertilites (although it’s nice to vent/mourn with those who truly understand cuz they’ve been there). This support group should include family and other friends. But remember, if you want your family and friends to understand the pain, loneliness, and heartbreak, you have to be open and TALK to them (we’ll get to this later).

Suggestions: Go on a girls date. Watch a rom-com with your friends. Call your sister and chat.

Do things you love

I think it’s important to give yourself time (see #3), but I also think we need to balance this with being active – whatever that means for you. Things that we enjoy make us feel better, even if just for a little bit. Make a list of things that you love to do, and then choose something on that list and do it. Find things that will boost your mood and make time for them.

Suggestions: Go for a walk to enjoy nature, exercise, listen to or create music, paint, make jewelry.

Give yourself space and time

#1 and #2 are important, but so is giving yourself the space and time to process what you’ve experienced. Give yourself permission to take time to grieve. If that means a day of staying at home alone, then do it. Just don’t let this stage take over. Staying in your bed for a month won’t make you feel better. I promise.

Suggestions: Write in an infertility journal about your experience, spend time in nature, practice mindfulness

Talk

We NEED to be more open about infertility. This community is better when we share, not just with other’s going through infertility. Our support group will never understand us unless we talk about it. Reading minds is not a thing, believe me. Tell your friends and family what your fears are. Tell them what makes you really sad about not getting pregnant this time. Tell them how they can best support you.

Suggestion: Go to a friend or family member you trust and just start talking. As scary as that sounds, it’ll make you feel better.

Cry

Crying is so cathartic. And it’s good for you (just in case you don’t believe me – check this out). I don’t think there’s a better way to mourn and grieve than crying. Don’t hold it all in – it won’t do you any good. Seriously, let those tears flow. Fully express your sadness. And if you’re worried you’ll never find your way back out, give yourself a time limit. Tell yourself you’ll cry for 3 hours, and then do something you love.

Suggestion: Turn on a sad song, and let it flow.

Bonus:

Write it out

Writing is also very cathartic. I encourage my therapy clients to get a journal and write in it daily. It feels good to get things out. And some people have a hard time talking. So write it out instead. Write about how angry, sad, frustrated, and lonely you feel. How disappointed you are. And then use those thoughts that you worked out on paper as a jumping board for what you can talk about with your trusted friends and family.

Suggestion: Get an infertility specific journal, and write your thoughts and feelings.

Let yourself grieve. Each time it doesn’t work. Use a combination of these to mourn a loss. Because not being able to get pregnant is a loss.

Live in the Kansas City area and want to talk to a therapist about your grief? Contact us, we want to help.