Pregnancy Loss Support: What NOT to say

I get it. Handling tough emotions isn’t easy, and neither is supporting someone who is going through tough times. And when we haven’t been through it ourselves, it can be extra hard to find the right words. Most folks don’t intend to hurt others with these phrases, but comments meant to minimize or invalidate a person’s pain ends up stinging. Let’s be better at pregnancy loss support.

So here are 10 TERRIBLE things to say to someone who needs pregnancy loss support:

1. At least you know you can get pregnant Everything happens for a reason
2. It just wasn’t meant to be
3. Just try again
4. It happens to everyone
5. It wasn’t even a baby yet
6. You’re young, you can keep trying
7. Time to move on
8. Have you tried ________ (IVF, acupuncture, standing on your head every day…)
9. At least you weren’t farther along

If you’ve said 1 of these things (which I’m guessing a lot of us have), apologize and vow to do better next time.

How to give pregnancy loss support next time:

• Start with empathy: Most people see a fetus as their baby, no matter how far along. When you come from this place of understanding, it’s easier to see why these phrases would be hurtful. Put yourself in their shoes and feel their heartache as their world shifts, their dreams are lost, and their whole sense of self changes.
• Check in and ask what they need: We’re all different, right? So in moments of deep emotional pain, we have different needs. Some might not feel the loss as intensely, some may want alone time, and others might need someone to talk to. Sometimes the griever might not know what they need – in these moments, show you care.
• Use validation: Here’s the deal with validation: it’s about showing that you get where a person is coming from. You don’t have to be on the same page to validate. Here are some great validating phrases: “This must be so hard for you,” “I’m so sorry for your loss,” “Your emotions make sense,” “How can I help you?” One of the most validating things you can do is just listen.
• Follow up: You know how it goes sometimes: we check in early on and then get distracted by life and maybe forget. Or sometimes we hesitate to bring it up again because we’re afraid of bringing them down. Grieving after a pregnancy loss can stick around for months, and just a little “thinking of you” text can mean the world.

Have you experienced a pregnancy loss? How do you wish others had supported you at that time? What has been hard about supporting others through pregnancy loss?